The first time I heard “The Scotsman Song” written in 1979 by Mike Cross, I found it funny. I was young and the idea was kind of hilarious, a turnabout that was unexpected and silly. I mean, who on earth would do that, right?
However, I’ve gotten older and I’ve gotten to know many men who wear kilts and who have had many questions about how they’re attired, at best, and have been groped for that discovery, at worst. Add to that that the gent in question is drunk and thereby nonconsensual…well, this song has become Very Problematic for me and I can’t stomach the original because it feels so inappropriate that I can’t find it funny any more.
Because it’s still a staple in the Ren Faire world and often performed in the SCA, I decided to write my OWN version, update to embrace the behavior I expect from others.
Please, feel free to adopt it into your own songbooks.
“What’s Worn Beneath The Kilt: The Scotsman Updated”
– by Aneleda Falconbridge (mka Monique Bouchard) based on “The Scotsman Song” by Mike Cross, 1979
A Scotsman clad in kilt left the bar one evening fair
And one could tell by how he walked he’d drunk more than his share
He stumbled on until he could no longer keep his feet
Then staggered off into the grass to sleep beside the street.
Ring ding diddle diddle i de o Ring di diddle i o deet
He staggered off into the grass to sleep beside the street.
Later on two young and lovely girls just happened by,
And one says to the other with a twinkle in her eye
You see yon sleeping Scotsman so strong and handsome built
I wonder if it’s true what they don’t wear beneath their kilt.
Ring ding diddle diddle i de o Ring di diddle i o dilt
I wonder if it’s true what they don’t wear beneath their kilt.
They crept up to the sleeping Scot as quiet as could be
And at a decent distance they waited patiently
That they might discover if beneath that Scottish skirt
Were boxers, stretchy Y fronts, or the clothes he’d worn at birth
Ring ding diddle diddle i de o Ring di diddle i o dirth
Were boxers, stretchy Y fronts, or the clothes he’d worn at birth
They waited for a hour then one said we’d best be gone
The other wanted answers but they’d both begun to yawn
They took out blue silk ribbon, tied their hair up in a bow
So it wouldn’t be too tangled as they they slept in the meadow.
Ring ding diddle diddle i de o Ring di diddle i o doh
So it wouldn’t be too tangled as they they slept in the meadow.
The Scotsman woke to nature’s call and stumbled toward the trees
Behind a bush he spied them, just waking in dawn’s breeze
With a cheery greeting the ladies caught his eyes
“Beg pardon, would you tell us of this garment o’er your thighs?”
Ring ding diddle diddle i de o Ring di diddle io die
“Beg pardon, would you tell us of this garment o’er your thighs?”
“We’ve heard many a rumor ‘bout what’s worn beneath the plaid,
Would you please enlighten as how you might be clad?”
We’ve waited through the evening to ask you with respect
Which of the many rumors is the one that is correct.
Ring ding diddle diddle i de o Ring di diddle i o dekt
Which of the many rumors is the one that is correct.
Thank you so for asking, the bonnie lad did say,
Rather than assuming things about my modesty
Surely I will tell you since you’ve waited since last night….
(spoken) AHEM. Well, there’s no Scottish Highlander’s Rulebook or anything and this subject is divided even among the most cultured Scots. As a matter of fact, according to a survey* of kilt wearing Scots, a full 55% wear shorts or briefs beneath their kilts. The rest do not. However, it’s worth noting that The Scottish Tartans Authority has decreed that refusing to wear underwear beneath the country’s national dress is “childish and unhygienic” but….
Depending on the kilt wearer, both answers may be right!
Ring ding diddle diddle i de o Ring di diddle i o dite
But depending on the kilt wearer, both answers may be right!
The ladies rose and thanked him for the sharing of these facts
In turn he also thanked them for polite and civil acts
Please accept our ribbons for our views have been revised,
And we know more than we did before– knowledge ought be prized!
Ring ding diddle diddle i de o Ring di diddle i o diez
O we know more than we did before– knowledge ought be prized!
* https://yougov.co.uk/news/2016/10/09/what-does-scotsman-wear-under-his-kilt/
